Is it weird to picture yourself in your “goal body” and actually be scared? What will my face look like? will I have loose skin? will i have stretch marks? will I be happy with myself? what if I become obsessed? My entire life I have struggled with weight. If you know me, you know that I yo-yo like a pro, I go all in on a trend and then quit right when I start to see results. It’s bazaar. I’ve tried every supplement, pill, system, scam etc and spent thousands and thousands of dollars to find myself in the same position, just more and more disappointed. It’s tough to talk about. I’m embarrassed. It stems from when I was about 8 years old. In middle school I was bullied for my weight, bad. I was called terrible names, I was made fun of constantly. It got so bad that I never wanted to go to school and when I did, I needed to be the first person there so I didn’t have to walk into a room of people staring, whispering and laughing. I never wanted to sit in the front of the classroom because I was worried notes would be passed and then purposely left for me to find (yes, that happened). I think that’s why I’ve become so incredibly observant of people and need to always be on time lol. The only thing that made me feel good was food. It’s like an abusive relationship- you know it’s bad, you know it’s not good for you but in the moment, it’s comforting and helps you forget about how bad everything else is and then you feel regret. My mom would even find me under the kitchen table bingeing on food. Food was my outlet. As I got older I became more active and lost weight BUT only because I wanted boys to notice me. I didn’t know how to be healthy, I thought skinny was healthy. I tried diet pills that gave me severe mood swings, I would take laxatives when I ate more than once a day, I would live off of energy drinks and go through episodes of starvation. I had no direction and no understanding of what I was actually doing to my body..

Cut to me at 30 years old. I’ve learned a lot through many, many years of trial and error. I’m still overweight with no confidence but I have a goal. I don’t want to just look good, I want to FEEL good. It’s crazy that something that happened over 20 years ago still influences your decisions today. This shit sticks with you my friends. It’s such a mental battle and it’s truly exhausting but I’m tired of dwelling on it. I have such a good life, why am I so stubborn when it comes to my own health and happiness? I have a fiance that loves me, my family is the absolute best and I have such amazing friends. It’s time to let the past stay in the past!

When I was younger, I had little to no education on health and weight management. Nowadays, I’m constantly being overloaded with information on weightloss and programs through social media and it’s a great motivator but it’s so overwhelming. I think I should start from square one. No more pissing money away on products. Let’s keep it simple and start with small, attainable goals. They say it takes 21 days to make a habit so let’s get through 21 days first and then go on from there.

For the next 21 days I will meal prep 1-2 times a week, log my meals into MyfitnessPal every day and workout 4-5 times a week. I’ll do my best to post about the process and share all of the juicy and not so juicy details. Thanks for listening xoxo

CW: Not happy

GW: Happy 🙂